Healing The Fat Self-Image
My work with weight loss and eating disorders comes from a powerful compassion I have developed through my own experiences struggling with a life threatening eating disorder.
Between the ages of eleven and fourteen years old I was a chubby girl. I earned all the famous childhood nicknames that come with being perceived as fat and unattractive. I learned at an early age I wasn't acceptable as long as I was fat, so I went on a mission to conquer the fat. The journey ended up being a long one because I was dieting for all the wrong reasons, to be liked and accepted by others. I was too young and naïve to realize I had to like myself no matter how others perceived me. Hating my body didn't serve me in any way. I had rejected myself as others had rejected me and the only way I would earn my own acceptance was through perfection. My mission was not just to lose a few pounds but rather to be perfect, an unachievable goal.
I did lose the weight and grew several inches, developing into a tall, slender woman. But with my development and my continued struggle for perfection I developed Anorexia. I starved myself for years wasting away to a very thin 89 pounds. It was a brush with death and angelic intervention that turned me around and got me eating again. However once I began eating I couldn't stop, I was out of control. Falling short of perfection over and over again was just too much pressure and I lost it. By the time I was in College I was seriously bulimic. I binged every chance I got and forced myself to vomit. This continued for years until all I did was binge and purge. I had no other life. I had dropped out of school, alienated all of my family and friends and isolated myself in a small apartment where I ate an insane amount of food in one sitting. I could eat a package of oreo cookies, a half gallon of ice cream and drink a couple glasses of milk in one sitting. Once I started I couldn't stop and it got to the point I couldn't stop myself from starting.
Not only was I vomiting several times a day but I started taking laxatives and purgatives in desperate attempt to get the food I had just eaten out of my body. Even with all the purging I couldn't control the increasing weight. My face had broken out due to the stress and toxins which didn't help me to feel good about myself. I would try so many times to stop the binging and purging but just couldn't stop.
Things were pretty crazy for me for a long time and I think I must have made that bargain with God that we often make when we are at the end of our rope. “Help me to stop this and I will do anything”. I was led to finally contact my Mother and ask for help. I ended up in therapy where my healing finally began.
It took me several years to fully recover but I did succeed. I lost my excess weight, through normal eating, I stopped the insane binging and purging behavior and I started living for the first time in a long time. Of course living meant facing all the things I had been avoiding for a long time, but I learned to face my challenges and I learned to let go of the need to be perfect. I also finally learned to like myself.
God never forgot the bargain I made. The need and desire to help others through their own struggles has been a natural evolution in my life.
I have now turned to eating the highest quality foods I can, which are raw, uncooked and unprocessed foods. I encourage every body I work with to incorporate a large percentage of these foods into their diet with a focus on health rather than weight loss.
I know when I was in trouble I needed help to recover. I have now come full circle and can be a help to others. This helps me to realize why I had to go through what I did and I have so much more to offer those who also want to stop the cycle in their lives.